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Yesterday my heart broke in half. I had to make yet another decision I never thought I would have to make again. As most of you know Ella Bella was my baby girl. My monkey (as I sometimes called her) for the past 12 years. She’s been through a lot with me. Traveled, pool parties, runs and grew with me as an adult. She’s been everything to me and also a big part of my parents lives who took her in while I traveled to Guam and Wyoming.
I knew something was wrong with her this week. She was acting funny and seemed uncomfortable so I made her an appointment to be seen right away. Wednesday night after getting the kids to sleep I laid, cried and slept with her on the living room floor knowing something wasn’t right. Thursday morning after dropping off the kiddos I picked Ella up into the truck (boy she was a big girl) and headed to the vets. As I was nervously waited for the Doc to return with the test results I just prayed that she wasn’t in pain and that I didn’t miss something that has been going on for awhile. With tears in my eyes I knew it wasn’t good when I saw her face walking toward me. They found Ella’s liver covered in cancer and a mass on her spleen. My poor baby girl. I broke down and laid with her again in the room for hours not wanting to hear what I need to do and what is best for her. I rubbed her soft ears that I loved so much as she laid on my lap and cried. Yesterday I lost my baby girl. I know it was best but so painful seeing her go.
Not only did I lose Ella this month, I also lost Coco our rottie, our protector, our old lady porch dog. Oct 1st I had to rush Coco to Tufts because she was retaining fluid and couldn’t walk. Tufts found a mass on her spleen and a neurological problem with her back side. I thought she had fallen from running up and down the stairs. I didn’t think it was that bad. After keeping her over night at Tufts it came down that making a decision- if I do surgery would she live a quality life afterwards. Docs informed me that what they saw the prognosis wasn’t good. So I had to say good bye to Coco who entered our lives in Guam. That girl- did some traveling and some running. We all have stories and memories of chasing her. lol Oh Coco Bean! She was a fast one.
I know this isn’t a fun lifestyle or gorgeous wedding post but in between all the beauty is life and we never talk about the struggles or the messiness life brings to us. And today I need to let this all out. I bottle up a lot of my emotions and don’t like to talk about them on social media. I know it isn’t healthy so for the first time I am publicly telling the internet world another piece of our world Joe and I never shared on social media or a blog. It was too painful to write. We blame ourselves.
We both were working a lot, it was wedding season for me, Joe was working long hours and any other time we had we were building our tiny home to create a better future. Two years ago in October (again) we lost our Harley Boy, which was our 4 year old rottie. He wondered (which is not like him to go near the road) and got hit by a car. Joe rushed him to the vets and stayed with him until late that night. Harley came home a day later with no broken bones but to rest and take it easy. He was such a beast of a dog. The next day I knew he felt uncomfortable and I rushed him back to the vets after Hailey’s doctor appointment. On my way, he passed in the car. From the accident his stomach and intestines twisted and caused him to pass. After Harley’s loss Joe and I told ourselves to never put work before family again.
Three of our babies gone in 2 years. Three. Last night I couldn’t sleep and kept asking myself why was this happening. Why did my babies have to go right now? Today my heart aches more thinking about this all. Dogs become part of you. Part of your family. Last night my house felt so empty. It was missing my fur babies. I am sadden and hurt by their loss but glad they are not in pain or suffering anymore. Everything happened too fast. I know we gave them all a great life and we did all that we could have done for them.
Saying goodbye isn’t easy.
Here are a few memories of our babies….
I read this article recently about Trying Out Slow Parenting. This article hit close to home. It made me realize that this is exactly what I do every day. I rush to try to get everything done in one day. Instead of enjoying the moment, slowing down and letting my kids enjoy life. Accepting the fact that there is always tomorrow to do whatever doesn’t get done.
Lately, I have had the worst case of anxiety that I have ever had. To be completely honest with you, I’m all over the place. I mean I have been in this serious funk that I can not seem to get out of. I have been trying to figure out ways to manage my time better with business, being a mom of two and a attentive wife as well. It’s hard working from home and actually getting work done. Sometimes I want to stay in bed because I feel utterly overwhelmed on what I need to get done for the day and how I am going to complete it all. I go through my normal routine 5:30-6am wake up with Joe. Yes, I am still that wife who makes him his breakfast (egg sandwiches), coffee and lunch for work. Before anything else I make sure I pour a large cup of coffee then move on- pump for Jax, nurse Jax, change Jax, feed Hailey and potty train Hailey in between the mix, glance at my emails while Hailey eats and respond but that usually takes all day. Editing, I attempt to do when I have Hailey napping. I usually can multi task with Jax awake. Then dinner time with the family, baths and squeeze some quiet time in with Joe before I go back editing or pass out on the couch. Then Repeat.
This article made me realize that the small things in life aren’t finishing the laundry or rushing through Hailey from playing. It’s managing time for what we have in front of us. Spending more family time together. My children mean everything to me. And when Hailey closes my laptop and tells me to stop working so we can color, paint her nails or play outside it breaks my heart that I am working and not paying attention to her. Then I get mad because I couldn’t finish a simple task like an email. Work will come but I need to keep work separate from family time. The last thing I want is for my kids to remember Mom being a hot mess all the time and grouchy. I want to be the free spirited woman I was before. The whateva kinda gal. Let it go gal. The only live once gal.
This month I told myself I am going live life through my kids and slow down. Not over schedule our lives and block off times for family and for business. I have always been the type of person to be on the go and always have to be doing something. I don’t like to feel rushed and want my children to have an enjoyable childhood. Soon these days won’t be here. Joe always reminds me that you don’t know what tomorrow will bring and to enjoy today. Enjoy what we have because theft is the world is a scary place. Have you seen the news lately? Soon I won’t have Hailey hugging my side or wanting to lay near me and Jax will only be this small for so long. I am challenging myself as well as other moms and mompreneurs out there to slow down too. Take in the simplest of tasks. Go for long slow walks and not rush, let the kids enjoy bath time even if it takes an hour long, build puzzles together, don’t multitask. Breathe. Maybe some me time in there. This one is going to be hard for me. Guess I should lay off the caffeine too, huh? No not really! I couldn’t. Better yet through in a run or some exercise in this all.
I know life isn’t perfect and a lot goes hand in hand being entrepreneurs.
Life is precious and always fast paced. So here’s so slowing down and building a family lifestyle with quality.
Happy weekend my friends! We are off to enjoy this long weekend and heading to the fair.
This morning Hailey wanted to hold Jax. She held his hand while singing an Ariel song to him. These are the moments I skip by because I am not slowing down.